987

Food plan:
194 - Breakfast - eggs and broccoli, garlic, coffee (yes I count my brewed coffee calories, it's roughly 2 calories for 8 oz.)
404 - Lunch - (I hate what that looks like, like I am a pig. On Friday I like to have all my protein in before dinner, and in an effort in pretend health I am doing chicken at lunch.) Chicken, spinach & cheese with a side of mixed veggies.
54 - Dinner - Lettuce & tomatoes.
335 - "Snacks" - Sugar free candies, 148 calories PINT of ice cream, coffee with sweetener (yes, I count "calorie-free" sweetener, roughly 3 calories a packet or teaspoon) and milk.

What was I saying about doing this the healthy way? How many calories did I vow? 1390? No. Not even close, too close for happiness - still not close! A part of me says that if I can compromise with myself, you know draw that line low but not lower it - then that will be good. Only, I just...

and, SLAM...

back to the bottom...
Where have I been? I've been in a whirl of life and smiles and hurt and cancer and death... I've been with food, without food, bending and forgetting and then completely over it.
I forgot what it was to obsess for a brief moment.
I realized that I can't cry. I feel so hurt, sad, broken, lost. I feel the tears, but I can't let them out. Part of me wants to so bad, only there is the stronger side of me that will not let go. I keep thinking if I could be with her for a night, just curl up and spend the time that the sun was gone wrapped in her, I could get this ALL out.
I am heavier than I should be. I gave myself permission to weight 141 - I now consistently weight 148.
I am aiming at 135. I was there months ago and I will be there again. I am going to try to do it "healthy" 1350 calories a day. That number makes me scared and dizzy. I have been being "good" at 999 or less a day and I like that, but I also know that it leads to lower and lower and lower. 999, hmm let's do 850, no 775, no 650... I need to just let it go and be healthy. Thing is, I can fix my food (maybe) and I could control my workouts (most of the time) but my head will still be messed up. I just don't know anymore.

910

So I have a new system for my post and you, my nonexistent readers, will see it in action today...

I went through yesterday without a problem, I ate normally without guilt. I weighed in at 143.2 and ate a sustainable amount and went to the gym. I killed at the gym. I felt strong and I felt whole. I should mention that I have multiple personalities. Not like, they takeover and then I am another person. I have different, I call them mees (plural me) living in my head and it is a constant struggle that I am aware of. Yesterday fitness Barbie was all, "Hips and boobs are fun, fun, fun! Let's go make dinner and eat with the family." Yesterday I didn't need this blog to help me hate me even more than I do. Today I wake up with this nagging fear of gaining, I step on the scale at 141 and I think in a hateful hiss, "That should have been lower, I should be lower." I think, "DISGUSTING!" I feel a rage and by far the most ana of all the mees takes over the brain. Coffee and minimum food. I HAVE TO BE UNDER 139.9 by Thursday and I would like to be under 138 by Saturday. Saturday I have a performance, a dance in a halftime show! I have to be SO skinny. How could I fuck up this bad?

Food plan:
Coffee (60)
Tilapia (100)
Lettuce (50)
Dressing (35)
Apple (65)
Soup (190)
Wheat bread (80)
Crystal Light (40)
Smoothie (175)
Strawberry yogurt (80)
Clementine (35)

I can, and will, do this!

it's 3:30ish and until now I was fine. I ate my fish and my salad and felt great. I'm cooking soup this evening and the crock pot smells so good I feel like I am going a bit nutty! My friend came by and I cooked for her. I love feeding people, like getting off vicariously! I also sent her away with the last peach yogurt, which was causing me an anxiety meltdown each time I passed the fridge. I really wanted to eat the strawberry yogurt, but knew if I did I would have the peach also. No more peach means that the strawberry yogurt is now free game. Yay!

I'm starting to worry over what's really in my soup. I mean, what if it's cooked down too much and there for the calories are higher. I feel ill just thinking about it! :(

See that, at the end of the day I am changing the title to calories consumed. I would love to have a blog of nothing but 800's but will settle for a blog full of entries with titles under 1,000.

Asshole.

Saturday I weighed in at a lovely number - 138.8 - and I was happy and empty and just so, shaky. I went to work and everything was too much, too loud, too bright, too fast, too much. I had to eat something because there was no coffee and I had HOURS left. I ate a snack bar (130) and I knew the second it hit my teeth it was bad. I NEVER should break a fast or start a day on something sweet. It sets me up to eat ALL DAY.

Then I went to the park and walked with a friend, which was awesome and we pushed each other to do a full hour of real brisk walking/jogging. After that we had a baby shower for a girl we knew in high school and, you guessed it, I ate... Nothing TOO bad, after all people were all around. I did eat though. Lots and SO MUCH! Then yesterday my mom brought a slice of cake over for everyone and my wife was waiting expectantly. Fine! Only once I start I can not stop so I ate cookies too, not the whole thing, but a fair bit!

This morning I weighed in at 144.8 - six fucking pounds yo.
I hate me. FML.

Food plan? I don't even know I feel lost. ARGH!
Focus:
Coffee (60) Maybe more. That's the cost of "No calorie" sweetener. I don't use creamer.
Flat bread (100)
Egg white x 1 (15)
Lettuce (4)
Cheese (35)
Salad (30)
Salad topper (35)
Calorie free Ranch (0)
Smartpop (100)
Crystal Light (40)
Smoothie (170)

That, my dears, is 590 of a healthy?ish? food plan, I mean fuck you CAN NOT truly NEED to eat MORE than that. It's a redic amount of food...

Already having to add to that so that the peeps who "care" will stop caring so fucking much! Adding a orange to lunch (35) and a 5oz. piece of fish to dinner (125.) New total 750 calories - I would LOVE to be under 800 for the day, I will be okay with under 900. I go to dance tonight, so I should burn roughly 450 calories doing that! YAY!

Only for a moment.

Today I woke up and I felt so gross and angry over last night's weigh in. Over the last few weeks and the whole of it. I went to the bathroom and didn't feel like I could face the scale. (Did you know - no you didn't because I haven't said anything about this yet - my scale lives out in the open in my kitchen. It's a bonus perk of having once been morbidly obese, a lot of my disordered behaviors are looked at as quirky dedications.) I drug myself into my kitchen and weighed in - 140.2! It's nothing to be proud of BUT it made me feel like a swan, only for a moment. I know I can do this, I know that 135 is - maybe - a week away. After 135 it gets hard, I have gone for a week long fast - 134, I have eaten 300 calories for a week and a half - 135, I have done the whole thing and mathematically I should still have lost a shit ton of weight only 135 is like cement and glue... I get sick and dizzy and pass out and still, nothing. 134 for a day and then 135 again. So there is that. For now I am just going to focus on getting there.

So food plan goes like this: (I have been sitting here for over an hour, with this new focus comes this new need to do it right from the beginning. I feel like if I can do it perfectly then I can make it last, so I have to plan like Bree Vanderbuilt.)
Coffee x 3 (60)
Flat bread (100)
Egg white (15)
Lettuce (4)
Cheese (35)
Tomato (11)
Apple (65)
Lettuce (30)
Mushroom (5)
Salad topper (35)
Calorie free Ranch (0) (Fucking LOVE that stuff.)
Popcorn (100)
Crystal Light (40)
Frozen yogurt (172) (I'll talk to you guys about that later today.)
I also have the back up of a frozen fruit smoothie if I am going crazy later today. (160)

So, I went and I walked with the kids, yep - kids (that's why it's extra important that EVERYTHING I do as far as my ED is invisible. It's also one of the three reasons I don't want to kill myself with this.) and we walked to get frozen yogurt. The kids had fun and I got to relax and know that I was burning off half of the frozen yogurt on the walk. It's a twenty minute walk round trip and we took some extra twist and turns to walk for forty minutes. They do this thing where you pay by he ounce and if you guess it perfectly you get it free. Mine is always 5oz. or less, I think it's funny when the girl gives me this mystical look as if no one get that close to guessing. I WEIGH EVERYTHING, I'm pretty good at this!

Food plan, was a master success! 800 calories today. Woot. Tomorrow is going to be a 1,600 calories day. Cookies and pizza will probably happen, and cake a a baby shower! So nom.

Hope you don't mind.

Zombie Sylvie, I drew a picture of you, from your prom picture. I kind of adore you, so, there's that. I guess that is strange... Sorry.

I have to weigh in, I have to have the number recorded by someone else. (I write it each and every day as I record my food and my water and my movements, I swear if I stay this way AND manage to live until I am old I will be one of those old crazy lady with a lot of fucked up journals for my people to go through when I die.) Anywho, I was weighing in weekly and now it's monthly anytime from the 1st and the 15th. They will be happy - I will be disgusted and the whole world will remain beautifully suspended in the universe, except not me. I will have that number in my mind burning and kicking and screaming. I hate it. I know it's bad - it was 143.4 today. Which is down .6 and I guess I should be happy because I fucking ate and had a loss, only, only all I can think is if I didn't eat I could have lost WAY more and I could feel that amazing feeling of being clean to the point of tears.

Today my food plan goes:
Coffee x 4 (40)
Flat bread (100)
Egg white (15)
Lettuce (8)
Tomato, half small (11)
Cheese (35)
NUTrition trail mix (150)
Tilapia, 4oz. (100)
Salad (30)
Poppyseed dressing (40)
Apple (58)
Clementine (35)
Frozen fruit smoothie (163)
Smartpop popcorn (100)

I should probably go ahead and add the popcorn (I did) as it seems I am week and I will eat something unless I get to bed ASAP in the evening. Motherfucker. I have also decided that I am just going to post once a day, you know all here - unless of course it's poetry, of which I have a bit coming...

Toby, my cat, just scratched my hand. It wasn't his fault, he is loco. There is this teeny drop of blood and I am amazed that something so beautifully colored can come from me.

Well, I fucking did it. I weighed the fuck in. I had my clothes on and a sweater and I stepped on and the sad faced little woman with her dry skin and dyed hair smiled so excitedly when she wrote the number. You can tell it's bad when they get happy. 143.8 - fml.

On the high? low? good? fucked? note my food plan changed, but stayed below 1,000. I even managed to have a small sliver of Carnival cake and not binge. I did do something I hate, but it was a) necessary and b) planned and so somehow it doesn't seem as bad as it could. I did the whole c/s, chew/spit, thing and I swear that is the last time I type that shit out - not the last time I do it, however. When I do that, which is rare, I don't swallow AT ALL - nothing. I do that so it gets nasty and I don't want to swallow and to avoid calories. As much as I hate that I have found the perfect food for c/s and I also know just how to go through the process so that I can control it and I satisfy the part of me that needs the binge. Maybe oneday when I want to show you what a flug I am I will go into details, for now I have to go to sleep - if I stay up any longer I will eat the rest of the cake. Motherfucker.

I am dying without you
Unable to breathe
Weak
Frail
Empty

I've gotten pretty good
At killing myself
Slowly
So slowly ~ she doesn't even notice

I can't help
To think of you
To think that you
Would have known
I was dying
Before I did

Can't shake the feeling
That while you kissed
The spaces that are new
As your tongue traced
The empty
Where there was full
That you would stop this
That you would ~ without knowing
End this torturous
Non-death I am living
Without you