889

That's the amount of calories I should eat today. Thing is - I think it's easier not to. My brain keeps saying, "Why start? Why eat anything if you aren't hungry?" I'm not. I mean, I feel that my body needs fuel. Only I am not hungry. I know that when I do eat it will be harder to stop. I am weak that way.

Stop whining.

I am having the kind of day where you look at your plan, each calorie, you say, "What can I cut?" I know I could cut most of it and I feel fat and stupid just having it planned. I know I could. I am weak and infantile and I use stupid health and "family" as my reasons for not doing this properly. Those reasons seem faint.

Dirty.

She smiles, but I know what she's thinking. I know she is angry. She doesn't understand. The whole times she was away I cut back, felt better. I controlled and let go of the food. Clean. I was clean. A part of me hates her for making me dirty.

A tiny bit scared.

I have this balance and it works for me. Or it did. I count and track and I do okay. Thing is today I can't eat. Not in the way that I can't eat, but know I will. That is me everyday. I know that I will messure out this and shredd up lettuce and I know I will eat, in spite that I feel I can not. Today, I can not eat. I want to cry as I hold the beans that were to be my protien, 200 calories. I keep thinking, "Only 50 calories will be fine." Then, "Why 50? Why not skip it and just put a teaspoon of salsa on a leaf of lettuce?" When I think that I start to think of how weak I am for needing the salsa...

A message?

I know
With half my mind
No
With more than half
With most of myself
I know

She isn't talking to me
There is no secret message
No hidden meaning

Still
I can see it clearly
With eyes that look
With a fractured
Reality
I can hear
What she isn't saying

She is giving me
Her secrets
Her desires
She is passing the torch to me
She wants my life
My breath

I am so ashamed

I can't count my ribs
I lost them last week
Brittle little rattle
Like keys made of bones
My hips will go next
I won't let that happen

I can do this
I am stronger
I am able
More able than she thinks
More able than anyone thought

I keep saying
Just a bit more
Just a little further

I think I know
That that is a lie
Can they get mad
If the lie was meant for me
And those that stood
Too close
Became casualties

I have been
Too close before
I know it still destroys
Even if the lie
Wasn't meant for you

She can count
My vertebrae
And I can sleep
Only when I feel
Empty

I love you both
I can't choose who
I love more

I'm sorry