151

By the grace of God I am somehow smaller than yesterday. May that give me the strength to stick to something new and potentially beautiful I am trying - a  350 calorie day!

Splenda - 100c (2 cups of coffee & 4 cups of tea)

Orange - 62c

Broccoli - 45c (1.5 cups)

Egg, poached - 71c

Spinach salad (w/ tomato, dressing) - 70c

That's a beautiful day that clocks in at 348 calories AND I am going to run a 5K which will burn it all off. So today has the miraculous potential to be a 0 net calories day!!!

I am going to be sick.

Tonight, again, I am sick beyond sick. I thought binge eating was rapidly eating way too much. It's not, a binge can last all day and these pass few days have been binges. I really need to vomit and I wish I could. However, I am not bulimic. I am probably not even anorexic considering how fat I am. I am simply a fuck up, and I am gross and scared. So tomorrow I choose to starve away the fear. I will not eat my stress I will lose it. The end. Tomorrow I will not eat more Than I work out. I will stay under 400 and I will be happy.

151.6

Major fucking fail.
I am always scared. Always. It's three types of fear, fear I can get through (just causes all the ugly health symptoms of stress.) Fear I can run through, or workout through and burn off for the moment. Fear that causes my to consume almost everything in my kitchen in one night.
Can you tell how I felt last night?

148.8

There are no words of encouragement - I knew last night things would be bad. No work out, almost 1400 calories. I hate the weekends, next weekend is a party so I have to kill this week!!! I hate this me. I miss the empty me.

147

I want to throw up, instead I will c/s a box of granola bars.

I know it's because I ate yesterday! I can only imagine what tomorrow will be. Sick. I couldn't even run today, I was too sick.

146.6

Lovely.
Only it comes on a day I know I have to eat. I have to, it's the weekend and she is home. She will notice and I will have to eat. It's okay, I knew this and decided that eating on her home days will help me stay "healthy" as I shrink.

147.6

See, this is the bit where I am glad I agreed with myself that I should weigh in with whatever I am wearing on... Sans a void or whatever! Because I know, I know, that I haven't used the bathroom and I am wearing a nightie muu muu and I am still out of the 150s. I could very well, when pure and empty to the realest real, be 145!!! I swoon!

I've been running, but I may need to take a break today. I am sore and feeling tired and I have a raging dance class tomorrow!!! Yay.

150

WTF, really.
Yesterday was a really great day! 690 calories, and hour of running. I was crampy and soar and I felt light so how is it that I am this gross number? I should have left the 150s behind. Now I am consumed with the fear that nothing will get the weight off, and I feel like I am going to puke.

150.6

I actually saw a 150.2, but am taking the higher number. My stomach is in knots and I have the absolute worst cramps. I was really worried about weighing today, though I knew that yesterday was probably as close to perfect as I can achieve food-wise. I jogged with a friend so I wasn't able to really run, but I'm running today! I want to run for sixty minutes, not stop. I have not distance in mind as I am just getting back to real training, just time.

Today I plan on pretty much just sticking to the basic plan. I mean the plan changed yesterday, but only here and I stayed under 800 - actually I was at 722 with a 30 minute jog and a 15 minute walk! So I am not too angry. I went to sleep last night feeling full and happy! Today, facing the scale I was worried, hating each bite and sip. I hate that I spent another day in the 150s, but I will leave them behind forever very soon.

Have you noticed the new thing? I think I mentioned that I started a tumblr - I am using my pictures here for weigh ins. I am trying to complain less and do more...

I am an asshole.

Sitting in the hospital waiting room last month, my grandmother had just been diagnosed with cancer - it's going to kill her within a few months - it was almost worse than any other time. Suddenly I was panic stricken, my jeans were shrinking as I sat there. I was getting fatter by the second. My mind started sorting what I had eaten the week before, measuring and calculating, going over exercise... They were talking to me, asking if I was okay, I was fine - I just needed to run for a few hours and stop eating. I realized later it was a panic attack, my mind focused solely on disordered thoughts because I can control that, I can do that. This, my grandma dying, I can't do - become thinner, I can.


November 2011

It's like they are not mine.

My hands. I can ignore me, avoid mirrors, forget (somehow) that I hate everything about me, but my hands are always there. I like when the knuckles are rounded and my fingers are small between the bones... Everyday I wake up and check my hands, wrist, arms - veins and bone. It's strange

153.6

Today's weight, with clothes on. I've decided to try to weigh with clothes and under any circumstance. For instance, I am aware that I am bloated today and normally would want to take a diuretic and void and strip down to nothing to get my 'real' weight. Thing is my 'real' weight it what I weigh in REAL life so clothing and such, well it's a part of it... I can't say I am happy to see that number, but I am relieved in a twisted way. My gosh I was at 160 yesterday.

When I made my plan, which is pretty much my go to plan, I put time limits on when I can consume breakfast and lunch. It's 10:22 now and I have not eaten my breakfast (I only just started my first water) and that means I will not me eating my FullBar. I think that might be good, I might need to eat it this afternoon. I am going to dance for the first time months and I will need to have something to burn.
I'm lucky that I can eat the same things again and again so I don't really get bored like a lot of people, though I don't think it's boredom. I think people are lazy and use any excuse they can. Maybe I'm just a bitch.

12:21 - I am just finishing my coffee and starting my second cup of water. I have another coffee on the Keurig and I am going to steam broccoli for lunch. I am also changing my apple to water melon, just because I already have it cup up.

1:44 - I have barely eaten my broccoli. I chose not to steam it and to eat it raw. Good choice as it makes it last and take longer to eat. So far I have had one cup of coffee, caught up on my  water and am seeing the return of my wrist. strange how one day can change yous so much. I started a Tumblr and am very excited to keep myself in check there. A new blog always helps! Calories so far (including my second coffee that is sitting in front of me): 189

Empty vs. Full

30. I'm in my thirties and things are slowly unveiling themselves.
I hate eating. I hate losing this empty. Once it's gone it's hard to remember how good it feels and then I lose hope. Strange thing is that empty is the most amazing feeling and I think I finally understand a bit.

I lived my twenties in deep search for something, unable to find it. I was empty and I needed to be full so I ate. I ate and ate and ate. I was never full, I was never satisfied. I would binge to the point of pain and still want more because you can not fill an emotional void with anything physical. I would binge and then hate myself more, feel more alone, somehow feel even more empty and need to shove something else down my throat.

Teenagers who cut to alleviate physical pain have figured out what I only just did - to gain emotional relief through physical means you have to do your best to create the same pain. Eating to fill an emotional emptiness is like wearing a cast and hoping it will help with emotional pain. No. Instead you cut your skin, you create that pain in your physical world. Starving creates the physical emptiness I have emotionally felt my whole life. There is the satisfaction that I have craved throughout existence!

160

I am writing that number because I will never see it again.

This summer was a bust BUT starting tomorrow I am going to be me again. The me that folds up and takes no space. The me who gets lost in her jeans and can slip on any little dress. The me who looks sexy in her girlfriends big T-shirt.

I guess I need a PLAN, so here it is:

Breakfast:
8-10am
16oz water
coffee w splenda (25)
16oz water
coffee w splenda (25)
16oz water
full bar (150)*

Lunch:
12:30-2:30
16oz water
broccoli (120)
coffee w splenda (25)
16oz water
apple (80)

Dinner:
16oz water
broth (20)
onion (6)
mushroom (20)
noodles (50)
grapes (60)
16oz water

Snacks:
broth (60)
tea w splenda (25)
tea w splenda (25)

That's 691 calories for the day and I hate that it's that high, BUT I also know I am a fucking fat failure and that I will not be able to eat less MUCH LESS starve like I really should. I want to be 135 by the end of first of December. In reality I want to be even lower. I'm looking at life and there is this big pain in my heart - like it's all wasted. I know that it is only going to hurt more as time goes on but I promised I wouldn't take myself away so I have to turn this into something else. I hope that starving will help. I know that starting to lose is the only way to get closer to starving and I hope I will get there soon... It feels like I am starving anyway, I think that's why I keep eating. Tomorrow I will be the new, teeny tiny me... at least in the inside.