151

By the grace of God I am somehow smaller than yesterday. May that give me the strength to stick to something new and potentially beautiful I am trying - a  350 calorie day!

Splenda - 100c (2 cups of coffee & 4 cups of tea)

Orange - 62c

Broccoli - 45c (1.5 cups)

Egg, poached - 71c

Spinach salad (w/ tomato, dressing) - 70c

That's a beautiful day that clocks in at 348 calories AND I am going to run a 5K which will burn it all off. So today has the miraculous potential to be a 0 net calories day!!!

I am going to be sick.

Tonight, again, I am sick beyond sick. I thought binge eating was rapidly eating way too much. It's not, a binge can last all day and these pass few days have been binges. I really need to vomit and I wish I could. However, I am not bulimic. I am probably not even anorexic considering how fat I am. I am simply a fuck up, and I am gross and scared. So tomorrow I choose to starve away the fear. I will not eat my stress I will lose it. The end. Tomorrow I will not eat more Than I work out. I will stay under 400 and I will be happy.

151.6

Major fucking fail.
I am always scared. Always. It's three types of fear, fear I can get through (just causes all the ugly health symptoms of stress.) Fear I can run through, or workout through and burn off for the moment. Fear that causes my to consume almost everything in my kitchen in one night.
Can you tell how I felt last night?

148.8

There are no words of encouragement - I knew last night things would be bad. No work out, almost 1400 calories. I hate the weekends, next weekend is a party so I have to kill this week!!! I hate this me. I miss the empty me.

147

I want to throw up, instead I will c/s a box of granola bars.

I know it's because I ate yesterday! I can only imagine what tomorrow will be. Sick. I couldn't even run today, I was too sick.

146.6

Lovely.
Only it comes on a day I know I have to eat. I have to, it's the weekend and she is home. She will notice and I will have to eat. It's okay, I knew this and decided that eating on her home days will help me stay "healthy" as I shrink.

147.6

See, this is the bit where I am glad I agreed with myself that I should weigh in with whatever I am wearing on... Sans a void or whatever! Because I know, I know, that I haven't used the bathroom and I am wearing a nightie muu muu and I am still out of the 150s. I could very well, when pure and empty to the realest real, be 145!!! I swoon!

I've been running, but I may need to take a break today. I am sore and feeling tired and I have a raging dance class tomorrow!!! Yay.

150

WTF, really.
Yesterday was a really great day! 690 calories, and hour of running. I was crampy and soar and I felt light so how is it that I am this gross number? I should have left the 150s behind. Now I am consumed with the fear that nothing will get the weight off, and I feel like I am going to puke.

150.6

I actually saw a 150.2, but am taking the higher number. My stomach is in knots and I have the absolute worst cramps. I was really worried about weighing today, though I knew that yesterday was probably as close to perfect as I can achieve food-wise. I jogged with a friend so I wasn't able to really run, but I'm running today! I want to run for sixty minutes, not stop. I have not distance in mind as I am just getting back to real training, just time.

Today I plan on pretty much just sticking to the basic plan. I mean the plan changed yesterday, but only here and I stayed under 800 - actually I was at 722 with a 30 minute jog and a 15 minute walk! So I am not too angry. I went to sleep last night feeling full and happy! Today, facing the scale I was worried, hating each bite and sip. I hate that I spent another day in the 150s, but I will leave them behind forever very soon.

Have you noticed the new thing? I think I mentioned that I started a tumblr - I am using my pictures here for weigh ins. I am trying to complain less and do more...

I am an asshole.

Sitting in the hospital waiting room last month, my grandmother had just been diagnosed with cancer - it's going to kill her within a few months - it was almost worse than any other time. Suddenly I was panic stricken, my jeans were shrinking as I sat there. I was getting fatter by the second. My mind started sorting what I had eaten the week before, measuring and calculating, going over exercise... They were talking to me, asking if I was okay, I was fine - I just needed to run for a few hours and stop eating. I realized later it was a panic attack, my mind focused solely on disordered thoughts because I can control that, I can do that. This, my grandma dying, I can't do - become thinner, I can.


November 2011

It's like they are not mine.

My hands. I can ignore me, avoid mirrors, forget (somehow) that I hate everything about me, but my hands are always there. I like when the knuckles are rounded and my fingers are small between the bones... Everyday I wake up and check my hands, wrist, arms - veins and bone. It's strange

153.6

Today's weight, with clothes on. I've decided to try to weigh with clothes and under any circumstance. For instance, I am aware that I am bloated today and normally would want to take a diuretic and void and strip down to nothing to get my 'real' weight. Thing is my 'real' weight it what I weigh in REAL life so clothing and such, well it's a part of it... I can't say I am happy to see that number, but I am relieved in a twisted way. My gosh I was at 160 yesterday.

When I made my plan, which is pretty much my go to plan, I put time limits on when I can consume breakfast and lunch. It's 10:22 now and I have not eaten my breakfast (I only just started my first water) and that means I will not me eating my FullBar. I think that might be good, I might need to eat it this afternoon. I am going to dance for the first time months and I will need to have something to burn.
I'm lucky that I can eat the same things again and again so I don't really get bored like a lot of people, though I don't think it's boredom. I think people are lazy and use any excuse they can. Maybe I'm just a bitch.

12:21 - I am just finishing my coffee and starting my second cup of water. I have another coffee on the Keurig and I am going to steam broccoli for lunch. I am also changing my apple to water melon, just because I already have it cup up.

1:44 - I have barely eaten my broccoli. I chose not to steam it and to eat it raw. Good choice as it makes it last and take longer to eat. So far I have had one cup of coffee, caught up on my  water and am seeing the return of my wrist. strange how one day can change yous so much. I started a Tumblr and am very excited to keep myself in check there. A new blog always helps! Calories so far (including my second coffee that is sitting in front of me): 189

Empty vs. Full

30. I'm in my thirties and things are slowly unveiling themselves.
I hate eating. I hate losing this empty. Once it's gone it's hard to remember how good it feels and then I lose hope. Strange thing is that empty is the most amazing feeling and I think I finally understand a bit.

I lived my twenties in deep search for something, unable to find it. I was empty and I needed to be full so I ate. I ate and ate and ate. I was never full, I was never satisfied. I would binge to the point of pain and still want more because you can not fill an emotional void with anything physical. I would binge and then hate myself more, feel more alone, somehow feel even more empty and need to shove something else down my throat.

Teenagers who cut to alleviate physical pain have figured out what I only just did - to gain emotional relief through physical means you have to do your best to create the same pain. Eating to fill an emotional emptiness is like wearing a cast and hoping it will help with emotional pain. No. Instead you cut your skin, you create that pain in your physical world. Starving creates the physical emptiness I have emotionally felt my whole life. There is the satisfaction that I have craved throughout existence!

160

I am writing that number because I will never see it again.

This summer was a bust BUT starting tomorrow I am going to be me again. The me that folds up and takes no space. The me who gets lost in her jeans and can slip on any little dress. The me who looks sexy in her girlfriends big T-shirt.

I guess I need a PLAN, so here it is:

Breakfast:
8-10am
16oz water
coffee w splenda (25)
16oz water
coffee w splenda (25)
16oz water
full bar (150)*

Lunch:
12:30-2:30
16oz water
broccoli (120)
coffee w splenda (25)
16oz water
apple (80)

Dinner:
16oz water
broth (20)
onion (6)
mushroom (20)
noodles (50)
grapes (60)
16oz water

Snacks:
broth (60)
tea w splenda (25)
tea w splenda (25)

That's 691 calories for the day and I hate that it's that high, BUT I also know I am a fucking fat failure and that I will not be able to eat less MUCH LESS starve like I really should. I want to be 135 by the end of first of December. In reality I want to be even lower. I'm looking at life and there is this big pain in my heart - like it's all wasted. I know that it is only going to hurt more as time goes on but I promised I wouldn't take myself away so I have to turn this into something else. I hope that starving will help. I know that starting to lose is the only way to get closer to starving and I hope I will get there soon... It feels like I am starving anyway, I think that's why I keep eating. Tomorrow I will be the new, teeny tiny me... at least in the inside.

987

Food plan:
194 - Breakfast - eggs and broccoli, garlic, coffee (yes I count my brewed coffee calories, it's roughly 2 calories for 8 oz.)
404 - Lunch - (I hate what that looks like, like I am a pig. On Friday I like to have all my protein in before dinner, and in an effort in pretend health I am doing chicken at lunch.) Chicken, spinach & cheese with a side of mixed veggies.
54 - Dinner - Lettuce & tomatoes.
335 - "Snacks" - Sugar free candies, 148 calories PINT of ice cream, coffee with sweetener (yes, I count "calorie-free" sweetener, roughly 3 calories a packet or teaspoon) and milk.

What was I saying about doing this the healthy way? How many calories did I vow? 1390? No. Not even close, too close for happiness - still not close! A part of me says that if I can compromise with myself, you know draw that line low but not lower it - then that will be good. Only, I just...

and, SLAM...

back to the bottom...
Where have I been? I've been in a whirl of life and smiles and hurt and cancer and death... I've been with food, without food, bending and forgetting and then completely over it.
I forgot what it was to obsess for a brief moment.
I realized that I can't cry. I feel so hurt, sad, broken, lost. I feel the tears, but I can't let them out. Part of me wants to so bad, only there is the stronger side of me that will not let go. I keep thinking if I could be with her for a night, just curl up and spend the time that the sun was gone wrapped in her, I could get this ALL out.
I am heavier than I should be. I gave myself permission to weight 141 - I now consistently weight 148.
I am aiming at 135. I was there months ago and I will be there again. I am going to try to do it "healthy" 1350 calories a day. That number makes me scared and dizzy. I have been being "good" at 999 or less a day and I like that, but I also know that it leads to lower and lower and lower. 999, hmm let's do 850, no 775, no 650... I need to just let it go and be healthy. Thing is, I can fix my food (maybe) and I could control my workouts (most of the time) but my head will still be messed up. I just don't know anymore.

910

So I have a new system for my post and you, my nonexistent readers, will see it in action today...

I went through yesterday without a problem, I ate normally without guilt. I weighed in at 143.2 and ate a sustainable amount and went to the gym. I killed at the gym. I felt strong and I felt whole. I should mention that I have multiple personalities. Not like, they takeover and then I am another person. I have different, I call them mees (plural me) living in my head and it is a constant struggle that I am aware of. Yesterday fitness Barbie was all, "Hips and boobs are fun, fun, fun! Let's go make dinner and eat with the family." Yesterday I didn't need this blog to help me hate me even more than I do. Today I wake up with this nagging fear of gaining, I step on the scale at 141 and I think in a hateful hiss, "That should have been lower, I should be lower." I think, "DISGUSTING!" I feel a rage and by far the most ana of all the mees takes over the brain. Coffee and minimum food. I HAVE TO BE UNDER 139.9 by Thursday and I would like to be under 138 by Saturday. Saturday I have a performance, a dance in a halftime show! I have to be SO skinny. How could I fuck up this bad?

Food plan:
Coffee (60)
Tilapia (100)
Lettuce (50)
Dressing (35)
Apple (65)
Soup (190)
Wheat bread (80)
Crystal Light (40)
Smoothie (175)
Strawberry yogurt (80)
Clementine (35)

I can, and will, do this!

it's 3:30ish and until now I was fine. I ate my fish and my salad and felt great. I'm cooking soup this evening and the crock pot smells so good I feel like I am going a bit nutty! My friend came by and I cooked for her. I love feeding people, like getting off vicariously! I also sent her away with the last peach yogurt, which was causing me an anxiety meltdown each time I passed the fridge. I really wanted to eat the strawberry yogurt, but knew if I did I would have the peach also. No more peach means that the strawberry yogurt is now free game. Yay!

I'm starting to worry over what's really in my soup. I mean, what if it's cooked down too much and there for the calories are higher. I feel ill just thinking about it! :(

See that, at the end of the day I am changing the title to calories consumed. I would love to have a blog of nothing but 800's but will settle for a blog full of entries with titles under 1,000.

Asshole.

Saturday I weighed in at a lovely number - 138.8 - and I was happy and empty and just so, shaky. I went to work and everything was too much, too loud, too bright, too fast, too much. I had to eat something because there was no coffee and I had HOURS left. I ate a snack bar (130) and I knew the second it hit my teeth it was bad. I NEVER should break a fast or start a day on something sweet. It sets me up to eat ALL DAY.

Then I went to the park and walked with a friend, which was awesome and we pushed each other to do a full hour of real brisk walking/jogging. After that we had a baby shower for a girl we knew in high school and, you guessed it, I ate... Nothing TOO bad, after all people were all around. I did eat though. Lots and SO MUCH! Then yesterday my mom brought a slice of cake over for everyone and my wife was waiting expectantly. Fine! Only once I start I can not stop so I ate cookies too, not the whole thing, but a fair bit!

This morning I weighed in at 144.8 - six fucking pounds yo.
I hate me. FML.

Food plan? I don't even know I feel lost. ARGH!
Focus:
Coffee (60) Maybe more. That's the cost of "No calorie" sweetener. I don't use creamer.
Flat bread (100)
Egg white x 1 (15)
Lettuce (4)
Cheese (35)
Salad (30)
Salad topper (35)
Calorie free Ranch (0)
Smartpop (100)
Crystal Light (40)
Smoothie (170)

That, my dears, is 590 of a healthy?ish? food plan, I mean fuck you CAN NOT truly NEED to eat MORE than that. It's a redic amount of food...

Already having to add to that so that the peeps who "care" will stop caring so fucking much! Adding a orange to lunch (35) and a 5oz. piece of fish to dinner (125.) New total 750 calories - I would LOVE to be under 800 for the day, I will be okay with under 900. I go to dance tonight, so I should burn roughly 450 calories doing that! YAY!

Only for a moment.

Today I woke up and I felt so gross and angry over last night's weigh in. Over the last few weeks and the whole of it. I went to the bathroom and didn't feel like I could face the scale. (Did you know - no you didn't because I haven't said anything about this yet - my scale lives out in the open in my kitchen. It's a bonus perk of having once been morbidly obese, a lot of my disordered behaviors are looked at as quirky dedications.) I drug myself into my kitchen and weighed in - 140.2! It's nothing to be proud of BUT it made me feel like a swan, only for a moment. I know I can do this, I know that 135 is - maybe - a week away. After 135 it gets hard, I have gone for a week long fast - 134, I have eaten 300 calories for a week and a half - 135, I have done the whole thing and mathematically I should still have lost a shit ton of weight only 135 is like cement and glue... I get sick and dizzy and pass out and still, nothing. 134 for a day and then 135 again. So there is that. For now I am just going to focus on getting there.

So food plan goes like this: (I have been sitting here for over an hour, with this new focus comes this new need to do it right from the beginning. I feel like if I can do it perfectly then I can make it last, so I have to plan like Bree Vanderbuilt.)
Coffee x 3 (60)
Flat bread (100)
Egg white (15)
Lettuce (4)
Cheese (35)
Tomato (11)
Apple (65)
Lettuce (30)
Mushroom (5)
Salad topper (35)
Calorie free Ranch (0) (Fucking LOVE that stuff.)
Popcorn (100)
Crystal Light (40)
Frozen yogurt (172) (I'll talk to you guys about that later today.)
I also have the back up of a frozen fruit smoothie if I am going crazy later today. (160)

So, I went and I walked with the kids, yep - kids (that's why it's extra important that EVERYTHING I do as far as my ED is invisible. It's also one of the three reasons I don't want to kill myself with this.) and we walked to get frozen yogurt. The kids had fun and I got to relax and know that I was burning off half of the frozen yogurt on the walk. It's a twenty minute walk round trip and we took some extra twist and turns to walk for forty minutes. They do this thing where you pay by he ounce and if you guess it perfectly you get it free. Mine is always 5oz. or less, I think it's funny when the girl gives me this mystical look as if no one get that close to guessing. I WEIGH EVERYTHING, I'm pretty good at this!

Food plan, was a master success! 800 calories today. Woot. Tomorrow is going to be a 1,600 calories day. Cookies and pizza will probably happen, and cake a a baby shower! So nom.

Hope you don't mind.

Zombie Sylvie, I drew a picture of you, from your prom picture. I kind of adore you, so, there's that. I guess that is strange... Sorry.

I have to weigh in, I have to have the number recorded by someone else. (I write it each and every day as I record my food and my water and my movements, I swear if I stay this way AND manage to live until I am old I will be one of those old crazy lady with a lot of fucked up journals for my people to go through when I die.) Anywho, I was weighing in weekly and now it's monthly anytime from the 1st and the 15th. They will be happy - I will be disgusted and the whole world will remain beautifully suspended in the universe, except not me. I will have that number in my mind burning and kicking and screaming. I hate it. I know it's bad - it was 143.4 today. Which is down .6 and I guess I should be happy because I fucking ate and had a loss, only, only all I can think is if I didn't eat I could have lost WAY more and I could feel that amazing feeling of being clean to the point of tears.

Today my food plan goes:
Coffee x 4 (40)
Flat bread (100)
Egg white (15)
Lettuce (8)
Tomato, half small (11)
Cheese (35)
NUTrition trail mix (150)
Tilapia, 4oz. (100)
Salad (30)
Poppyseed dressing (40)
Apple (58)
Clementine (35)
Frozen fruit smoothie (163)
Smartpop popcorn (100)

I should probably go ahead and add the popcorn (I did) as it seems I am week and I will eat something unless I get to bed ASAP in the evening. Motherfucker. I have also decided that I am just going to post once a day, you know all here - unless of course it's poetry, of which I have a bit coming...

Toby, my cat, just scratched my hand. It wasn't his fault, he is loco. There is this teeny drop of blood and I am amazed that something so beautifully colored can come from me.

Well, I fucking did it. I weighed the fuck in. I had my clothes on and a sweater and I stepped on and the sad faced little woman with her dry skin and dyed hair smiled so excitedly when she wrote the number. You can tell it's bad when they get happy. 143.8 - fml.

On the high? low? good? fucked? note my food plan changed, but stayed below 1,000. I even managed to have a small sliver of Carnival cake and not binge. I did do something I hate, but it was a) necessary and b) planned and so somehow it doesn't seem as bad as it could. I did the whole c/s, chew/spit, thing and I swear that is the last time I type that shit out - not the last time I do it, however. When I do that, which is rare, I don't swallow AT ALL - nothing. I do that so it gets nasty and I don't want to swallow and to avoid calories. As much as I hate that I have found the perfect food for c/s and I also know just how to go through the process so that I can control it and I satisfy the part of me that needs the binge. Maybe oneday when I want to show you what a flug I am I will go into details, for now I have to go to sleep - if I stay up any longer I will eat the rest of the cake. Motherfucker.

I am dying without you
Unable to breathe
Weak
Frail
Empty

I've gotten pretty good
At killing myself
Slowly
So slowly ~ she doesn't even notice

I can't help
To think of you
To think that you
Would have known
I was dying
Before I did

Can't shake the feeling
That while you kissed
The spaces that are new
As your tongue traced
The empty
Where there was full
That you would stop this
That you would ~ without knowing
End this torturous
Non-death I am living
Without you

1:39
It's a beautiful day.
I've eaten my cereal and my fruit.
I've drank two cups of coffee and two glasses of water.

I need to be careful with the water, you can drink too much and I usually do. It's not so much too much as too much constantly. You fuck your saline and electrolytes, get sick and my eyes start to throb like they may pop out. I think I'm going to make my sandwich. I hate this feeling. I am well aware of the fact that I am doing well and that I am not eating TOO much and that I am okay, but having food in my stomach makes me feel so wretched I want to die. Eat and crave death. Live and crave food. It's so fucked I can't take it.

5:12
I made my sandwich at, like, 3. It was so redic how good it was and ~ as always ~ all I could think of after that was eating more. I'm a flug like that. (Fucking slug. Thank you, I know it's the perfect word for me, it's gross and sloppy and ugly and you can just tell it's fucking fat. I invented it last night as I lay in bed wishing I could be as skinny as a whisper!) I've had water, a lot of water, and I went for a 20 minute walk and a 40 minute bike ride. I feel good. I feel like I might have made the right choice, I might have eaten just enough to move my body, to get through the day, to live just on this side of dead and still not expand. OMG. I pray.

10:35
I should have gone to bed an hour ago. I stuck to my plan 100%, and then I had a bowl of popcorn (100) - because I am weak and gross. I hate me. I am up like 2-4 pounds and I know that is the water I have been drinking, I know with my brain. Only there is this other side, like a shadow and under there I don't know anything other than FUCK I HAVE GAINED I AM A FUCKING LARDY PIG FUCK. I hate me.