Food plan:
194 - Breakfast - eggs and broccoli, garlic, coffee (yes I count my brewed coffee calories, it's roughly 2 calories for 8 oz.)
404 - Lunch - (I hate what that looks like, like I am a pig. On Friday I like to have all my protein in before dinner, and in an effort in pretend health I am doing chicken at lunch.) Chicken, spinach & cheese with a side of mixed veggies.
54 - Dinner - Lettuce & tomatoes.
335 - "Snacks" - Sugar free candies, 148 calories PINT of ice cream, coffee with sweetener (yes, I count "calorie-free" sweetener, roughly 3 calories a packet or teaspoon) and milk.
What was I saying about doing this the healthy way? How many calories did I vow? 1390? No. Not even close, too close for happiness - still not close! A part of me says that if I can compromise with myself, you know draw that line low but not lower it - then that will be good. Only, I just...
Friday, April 20, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
and, SLAM...
back to the bottom...
Where have I been? I've been in a whirl of life and smiles and hurt and cancer and death... I've been with food, without food, bending and forgetting and then completely over it.
I forgot what it was to obsess for a brief moment.
I realized that I can't cry. I feel so hurt, sad, broken, lost. I feel the tears, but I can't let them out. Part of me wants to so bad, only there is the stronger side of me that will not let go. I keep thinking if I could be with her for a night, just curl up and spend the time that the sun was gone wrapped in her, I could get this ALL out.
I am heavier than I should be. I gave myself permission to weight 141 - I now consistently weight 148.
I am aiming at 135. I was there months ago and I will be there again. I am going to try to do it "healthy" 1350 calories a day. That number makes me scared and dizzy. I have been being "good" at 999 or less a day and I like that, but I also know that it leads to lower and lower and lower. 999, hmm let's do 850, no 775, no 650... I need to just let it go and be healthy. Thing is, I can fix my food (maybe) and I could control my workouts (most of the time) but my head will still be messed up. I just don't know anymore.
Where have I been? I've been in a whirl of life and smiles and hurt and cancer and death... I've been with food, without food, bending and forgetting and then completely over it.
I forgot what it was to obsess for a brief moment.
I realized that I can't cry. I feel so hurt, sad, broken, lost. I feel the tears, but I can't let them out. Part of me wants to so bad, only there is the stronger side of me that will not let go. I keep thinking if I could be with her for a night, just curl up and spend the time that the sun was gone wrapped in her, I could get this ALL out.
I am heavier than I should be. I gave myself permission to weight 141 - I now consistently weight 148.
I am aiming at 135. I was there months ago and I will be there again. I am going to try to do it "healthy" 1350 calories a day. That number makes me scared and dizzy. I have been being "good" at 999 or less a day and I like that, but I also know that it leads to lower and lower and lower. 999, hmm let's do 850, no 775, no 650... I need to just let it go and be healthy. Thing is, I can fix my food (maybe) and I could control my workouts (most of the time) but my head will still be messed up. I just don't know anymore.
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