and, SLAM...

back to the bottom...
Where have I been? I've been in a whirl of life and smiles and hurt and cancer and death... I've been with food, without food, bending and forgetting and then completely over it.
I forgot what it was to obsess for a brief moment.
I realized that I can't cry. I feel so hurt, sad, broken, lost. I feel the tears, but I can't let them out. Part of me wants to so bad, only there is the stronger side of me that will not let go. I keep thinking if I could be with her for a night, just curl up and spend the time that the sun was gone wrapped in her, I could get this ALL out.
I am heavier than I should be. I gave myself permission to weight 141 - I now consistently weight 148.
I am aiming at 135. I was there months ago and I will be there again. I am going to try to do it "healthy" 1350 calories a day. That number makes me scared and dizzy. I have been being "good" at 999 or less a day and I like that, but I also know that it leads to lower and lower and lower. 999, hmm let's do 850, no 775, no 650... I need to just let it go and be healthy. Thing is, I can fix my food (maybe) and I could control my workouts (most of the time) but my head will still be messed up. I just don't know anymore.