910

So I have a new system for my post and you, my nonexistent readers, will see it in action today...

I went through yesterday without a problem, I ate normally without guilt. I weighed in at 143.2 and ate a sustainable amount and went to the gym. I killed at the gym. I felt strong and I felt whole. I should mention that I have multiple personalities. Not like, they takeover and then I am another person. I have different, I call them mees (plural me) living in my head and it is a constant struggle that I am aware of. Yesterday fitness Barbie was all, "Hips and boobs are fun, fun, fun! Let's go make dinner and eat with the family." Yesterday I didn't need this blog to help me hate me even more than I do. Today I wake up with this nagging fear of gaining, I step on the scale at 141 and I think in a hateful hiss, "That should have been lower, I should be lower." I think, "DISGUSTING!" I feel a rage and by far the most ana of all the mees takes over the brain. Coffee and minimum food. I HAVE TO BE UNDER 139.9 by Thursday and I would like to be under 138 by Saturday. Saturday I have a performance, a dance in a halftime show! I have to be SO skinny. How could I fuck up this bad?

Food plan:
Coffee (60)
Tilapia (100)
Lettuce (50)
Dressing (35)
Apple (65)
Soup (190)
Wheat bread (80)
Crystal Light (40)
Smoothie (175)
Strawberry yogurt (80)
Clementine (35)

I can, and will, do this!

it's 3:30ish and until now I was fine. I ate my fish and my salad and felt great. I'm cooking soup this evening and the crock pot smells so good I feel like I am going a bit nutty! My friend came by and I cooked for her. I love feeding people, like getting off vicariously! I also sent her away with the last peach yogurt, which was causing me an anxiety meltdown each time I passed the fridge. I really wanted to eat the strawberry yogurt, but knew if I did I would have the peach also. No more peach means that the strawberry yogurt is now free game. Yay!

I'm starting to worry over what's really in my soup. I mean, what if it's cooked down too much and there for the calories are higher. I feel ill just thinking about it! :(

See that, at the end of the day I am changing the title to calories consumed. I would love to have a blog of nothing but 800's but will settle for a blog full of entries with titles under 1,000.