Only for a moment.

Today I woke up and I felt so gross and angry over last night's weigh in. Over the last few weeks and the whole of it. I went to the bathroom and didn't feel like I could face the scale. (Did you know - no you didn't because I haven't said anything about this yet - my scale lives out in the open in my kitchen. It's a bonus perk of having once been morbidly obese, a lot of my disordered behaviors are looked at as quirky dedications.) I drug myself into my kitchen and weighed in - 140.2! It's nothing to be proud of BUT it made me feel like a swan, only for a moment. I know I can do this, I know that 135 is - maybe - a week away. After 135 it gets hard, I have gone for a week long fast - 134, I have eaten 300 calories for a week and a half - 135, I have done the whole thing and mathematically I should still have lost a shit ton of weight only 135 is like cement and glue... I get sick and dizzy and pass out and still, nothing. 134 for a day and then 135 again. So there is that. For now I am just going to focus on getting there.

So food plan goes like this: (I have been sitting here for over an hour, with this new focus comes this new need to do it right from the beginning. I feel like if I can do it perfectly then I can make it last, so I have to plan like Bree Vanderbuilt.)
Coffee x 3 (60)
Flat bread (100)
Egg white (15)
Lettuce (4)
Cheese (35)
Tomato (11)
Apple (65)
Lettuce (30)
Mushroom (5)
Salad topper (35)
Calorie free Ranch (0) (Fucking LOVE that stuff.)
Popcorn (100)
Crystal Light (40)
Frozen yogurt (172) (I'll talk to you guys about that later today.)
I also have the back up of a frozen fruit smoothie if I am going crazy later today. (160)

So, I went and I walked with the kids, yep - kids (that's why it's extra important that EVERYTHING I do as far as my ED is invisible. It's also one of the three reasons I don't want to kill myself with this.) and we walked to get frozen yogurt. The kids had fun and I got to relax and know that I was burning off half of the frozen yogurt on the walk. It's a twenty minute walk round trip and we took some extra twist and turns to walk for forty minutes. They do this thing where you pay by he ounce and if you guess it perfectly you get it free. Mine is always 5oz. or less, I think it's funny when the girl gives me this mystical look as if no one get that close to guessing. I WEIGH EVERYTHING, I'm pretty good at this!

Food plan, was a master success! 800 calories today. Woot. Tomorrow is going to be a 1,600 calories day. Cookies and pizza will probably happen, and cake a a baby shower! So nom.