Empty vs. Full

30. I'm in my thirties and things are slowly unveiling themselves.
I hate eating. I hate losing this empty. Once it's gone it's hard to remember how good it feels and then I lose hope. Strange thing is that empty is the most amazing feeling and I think I finally understand a bit.

I lived my twenties in deep search for something, unable to find it. I was empty and I needed to be full so I ate. I ate and ate and ate. I was never full, I was never satisfied. I would binge to the point of pain and still want more because you can not fill an emotional void with anything physical. I would binge and then hate myself more, feel more alone, somehow feel even more empty and need to shove something else down my throat.

Teenagers who cut to alleviate physical pain have figured out what I only just did - to gain emotional relief through physical means you have to do your best to create the same pain. Eating to fill an emotional emptiness is like wearing a cast and hoping it will help with emotional pain. No. Instead you cut your skin, you create that pain in your physical world. Starving creates the physical emptiness I have emotionally felt my whole life. There is the satisfaction that I have craved throughout existence!