Sitting in the hospital waiting room last month, my grandmother had just been diagnosed with cancer - it's going to kill her within a few months - it was almost worse than any other time. Suddenly I was panic stricken, my jeans were shrinking as I sat there. I was getting fatter by the second. My mind started sorting what I had eaten the week before, measuring and calculating, going over exercise... They were talking to me, asking if I was okay, I was fine - I just needed to run for a few hours and stop eating. I realized later it was a panic attack, my mind focused solely on disordered thoughts because I can control that, I can do that. This, my grandma dying, I can't do - become thinner, I can.
November 2011
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